Presentation Materials
DSM Presentation
Presentation Overview:
Many times, applications start small and controlled. As the application becomes larger, more complex and tangled, your job gets harder. Things break, change requests take too much time, and new bugs are introduced daily. Hopefully you find those bugs in testing and fix them. Now imagine your team building to one cohesive set of blueprints. The architecture has been defined and everybody understands the system. Developers can conduct impact analysis (even into the database). Estimating changes are easier because you can have visibility. Finally, since fewer problems are introduced, less time is spent on code reviews and maintenance and more time building new features
Learn an award-winning approach that uses dependencies to�manage the architecture of software systems. You will learn how a DSM can be used to map the application architecture including its dependencies to databases and frameworks, identify weaknesses in your software, track architectural evolution and how you to approach refactoring. This is meant to be interactive and we will use a real Java application.
Presenter Bio:
Neeraj Sangal is a leading authority on software systems visualization. Neeraj is CTO of Lattix and is currently evangelizing the use of Dependency Structure Matrix (DSM) in software architecture and development. This award-winning approach utilizes dependencies for the creation of highly scalable models that permit a precise specification and enforcement of the architecture in addition to crystal clear visibility for development teams. Prior to Lattix, Neeraj was President of Tendril Software, a leader in model-driven development and synchronized UML models. Prior to Tendril, Neeraj managed a distributed development organization at Hewlett-Packard.
Neeraj recently presented at JavaOne and received a top 10% rating as a presenter granting him a ?Java Rock Star? status.
People had this to say about this event:
- After the first 30-40 minutes, I felt like it was really a Lattix advertisement. Also, as a new Java programmer, this was probably quite a bit over my head. However, the opportunity to network was great, although awkward for most people. I'd love to se
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- The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
- In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
- Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
- If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
- If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
- What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
- What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
- In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
- A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
- A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
- I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air � however slight � lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
- In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
- We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
- There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
- The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
- The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
- We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
- Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
- Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
- Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
- Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
- If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
- A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
- The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
- I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
- I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
- If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
- Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
- Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
- If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- iV4eJ, Hi, you have a great site! iy496 , thanks!
- Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
- USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
- Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
- There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
- That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
- It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- GBbrZ, Hi, you have a great site! 47mu3 , thanks!
- Silence is argument carried out by other means.
- Silence is argument carried out by other means.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
- The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
- Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
- Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
- Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
- The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
- The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
- If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
- If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
- Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
- Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
- If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
- If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- In this war � as in others � I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- In this war � as in others � I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
- Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
- A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
- Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
- Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
- A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
- Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
- Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
- Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
- They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
- The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
- Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
- Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
- I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
- They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
- Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
- Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
- Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
- Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air � however slight � lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
- An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
- Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
- In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
- Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
- If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
- A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
- Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
- Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
- People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
- Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
- The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
- If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
- Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
- Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
- Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
- I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
- No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
- Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
- The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
- The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
- When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
- For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
- I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
- Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
- Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
- One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
- Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
- That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
- In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
- I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
- It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
- In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
- Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
- I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
- I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
- Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
- Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
- Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
- I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
- People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
- I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.
- When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
- The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
- If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
- Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
- I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
- A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
- Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
- Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
- In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
- My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
- Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
- If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- The covers of this book are too far apart.
- To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
- I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
- Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
- If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
- If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
- Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
- How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
- In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
- One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
- Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
- People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
- I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
- I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
- It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
- Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
- If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
- Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
- That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
- A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
- If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
- It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
- Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- Men have become the tools of their tools.
- If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
- In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
- Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
- Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
- I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
- Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
- It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
- Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
- Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
- Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
- Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
- In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
- Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
- To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
- The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
- Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.
- A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
- A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
- I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
- If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
- Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
- The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
- A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
- Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
- You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
- Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
- The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
- The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
- If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
- Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
- Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
- All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- A camel is a horse designed by a committee
- Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
- I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
- Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
- Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
- The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
- I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
- Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
- There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
- It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
- Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
- Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
- Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
- Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
- The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
- Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
- A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
- It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
- Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens
- I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
- Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
- Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
- The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
- Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
- Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
- The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
- I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!
- A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
- My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
- We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
- Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
- A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
- I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
- Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.
- A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
- Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
- The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
- Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
- Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
- Men have become the tools of their tools.
- I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
- In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
- Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
- Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
- There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
- Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
- Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
- Men have become the tools of their tools.
- The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
- Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
- Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
- Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
- Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
- Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
- The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
- Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
- Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
- I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
- Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
- Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.
- One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
- Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
- Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
- Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
- Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
- Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
- You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
- One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
- The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
- Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
- Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
- A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.
- If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
- Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
- Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
- Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
- Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
- Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
- Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
- Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
- If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
- I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
- There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
- Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
- If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
- Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
- If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
- There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
- Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
- If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
- Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
- A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
- Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
- My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
- A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.
- I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
- He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
- The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
- Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
- Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
- The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
- There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
- And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
- It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
- Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
- There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!
- If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
- Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
- Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
- Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
- The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
- Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
- If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
- Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
- If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
- Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
- I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
- Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
- The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
- A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
- Why don't you write books people can read?
- Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
- After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
- I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
- They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
- DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
- Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
- If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
- You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
- 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
- I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
- He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- > > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
- One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.
- Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
- When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
- A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
- My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
- He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
- In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
- There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
- A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
- What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
- The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
- How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
- Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
- The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
- A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- If a man does his best, what else is there?
- War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
- People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
- I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
- If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
- It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
- Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
- Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
- Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- In this war � as in others � I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
- Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
- It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
- I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
- The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
- You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
- I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
- I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
- Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
- The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
- It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
- Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
- The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
- When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
- Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
- Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
- Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
- The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- If a man does his best, what else is there?
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
- I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
- The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
- Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
- Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
- If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
- You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
- The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
- The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
- Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
- I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
- Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
- When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
- If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
- I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
- The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
- 2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
- Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
- The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
- I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
- Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
- Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
- There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
- Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
- The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
- The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
- The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
- Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
- The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
- If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
- And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
- Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
- Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
- Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
- I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
- It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
- I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
- An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
- I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
- Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
- Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
- I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
- Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
- Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
- We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
- Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
- Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
- I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
- Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
- Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
- If a man does his best, what else is there?
- Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
- The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
- Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
- DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
- Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
- I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
- We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
- Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
- It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
- Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
- The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
- No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
- The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
- Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
- The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
- Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
- If a man does his best, what else is there?
- A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
- Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
- The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
- Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
- Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
- The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
- For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
- War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
- If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
- The truth is more important than the facts.
- It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
- No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
- We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
- The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
- A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
- Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
- I am not young enough to know everything.
- If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
- I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
- People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
- Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
- Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
- Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
- Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
- Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
- I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
- You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
- Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
- A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
- A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
- I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
- I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
- DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
- Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
- A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
- The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
- Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
- If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
- Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
- I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
- It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
- Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
- The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
- We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
- If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
- Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!
- We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
- If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
- The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
- But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
- I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
- UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
- Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
- Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
- I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
- I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
- Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- [War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
- One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
- Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
- Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
- The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
- Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
- It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
- Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
- Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
- I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
- It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
- To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
- If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
- If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
- In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
- Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
- Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
- The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
- Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
- One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
- It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
- Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
- I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!
- A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
- Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
- 2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
- Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
- Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
- Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens
- Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
- In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
- The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
- The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
- If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
- Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
- The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
- Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
- A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
- The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
- I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
- A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
- Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
- I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
- Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
- War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
- The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
- The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
- Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
- I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
- USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
- Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
- UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
- An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
- I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
- Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
- If a man does his best, what else is there?
- A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
- Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
- Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
- Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
- The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
- A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
- There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
- Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
- Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
- If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
- What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
- Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
- C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
- It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
- War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
- Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
- Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
- Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
- A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
- The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
- The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
- Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
- Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
- Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
- Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
- I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
- Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
- There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
- Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
- The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
- If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
- I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
- When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
- Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
- Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
- I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
- Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
- Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
- If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
- Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
- The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
- I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
- Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
- I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
- Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
- The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
- To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
- I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
- A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
- Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
- I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
- Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
- I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
- Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
- Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
- A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
- Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
- If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
- Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
- I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
- If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
- There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
- Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
- In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
- Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
- We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
- Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
- Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
- Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
- It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
- I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
- Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
- Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
- Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
- The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
- Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
- The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
- The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
- Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
- A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
- I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
- The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
- Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
- All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
- Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
- The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
- When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
- Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
- It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
- [War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
- [War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
- All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
- The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
- Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
- It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- [War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
- If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
- Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
- Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
- The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
- An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
- The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
- Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
- There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
- Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
- All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
- I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
- A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
- The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
- The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
- Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
- TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
- There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
- [War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
- I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
- A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
- Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
- Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
- Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
- I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
- Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
- I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
- Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
- If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
- First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
- Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
- Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!
- Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
- Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
- It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
- A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
- A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
- Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
- Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.
- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
- Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
- If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
- Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.
- First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
- Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
- Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
- If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
- Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
- Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
- If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
- If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
- Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
- When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
- Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
- It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
- I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
- I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
- Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
- The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
- I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
- If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
- Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
- Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
- A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
- Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
- Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
- The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
- When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
- There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
- I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
- If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
- Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
- Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
- If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
- > > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
- Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.
- Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
- When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
- We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
- 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
- I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
- In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
- In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
- Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
- A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- A camel is a horse designed by a committee
- Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
- We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
- It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
- Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
- Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
- I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
- Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
- Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
- Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
- I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
- You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
- People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
- Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
- If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
- When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
- The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
- You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
- If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
- Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
- Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
- Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
- If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
- The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
- A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
- A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
- The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
- I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
- Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- [War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
- Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
- Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
- My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
- I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
- It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
- USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
- The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
- Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
- Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
- A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
- In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
- In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
- Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
- Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
- I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
- If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
- Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
- If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
- There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
- A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
- Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
- I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
- The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
- I am not young enough to know everything.
- If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
- The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
- A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
- Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
- Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
- The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
- I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
- A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
- Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
- The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
- Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
- Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
- Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
- Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
- Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
- When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
- Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
- Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
- > > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
- I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
- Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
- I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
- Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
- When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
- Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
- In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
- And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
- We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
- Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
- Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
- Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
- Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
- I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
- The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
- The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- The truth is more important than the facts.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
- Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
- I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
- Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
- A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
- Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
- The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
- The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
- The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
- Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
- We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
- War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
- I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
- If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
- It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
- Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
- To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
- Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
- Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
- The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
- Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
- There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
- It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
- Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
- There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
- Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
- I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
- To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
- There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
- There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
- You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
- Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
- All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
- Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
- The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
- Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
- If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
- Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
- Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
- The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
- Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
- Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
- If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
- It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
- The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
- Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
- There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
- You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
- I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
- I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
- Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
- To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
- Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
- In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
- Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
- Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
- Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
- First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
- We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
- Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
- Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
- Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
- All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
- If a man does his best, what else is there?
- Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
- There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
- Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
- I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
- A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
- Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
- And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
- Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
- Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
- Why don't you write books people can read?
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
- A camel is a horse designed by a committee
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
- One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
- Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
- The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
- I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
- Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
- Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
- Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
- It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
- The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
- Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
- Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
- I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
- I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
- Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
- Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
- In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
- The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
- A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
- I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
- Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
- Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
- The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
- Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
- There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
- Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
- Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
- Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
- I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
- If a man does his best, what else is there?
- My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
- For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
- A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
- Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
- Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
- You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
- Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
- The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
- Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
- We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
- C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
- The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
- Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
- Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
- It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
- Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
- Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
- I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
- We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
- Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
- It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
- The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
- The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
- Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
- The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
- Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
- C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
- Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
- In this war � as in others � I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
- Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
- Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
- If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
- In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
- Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
- Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
- The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
- Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
- To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
- All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
- Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
- Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
- The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
- To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
- Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
- If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
- The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
- The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
- The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
- The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
- There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
- The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
- Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
- The covers of this book are too far apart.
- He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
- Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
- A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
- Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
- If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
- If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
- Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
- I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
- I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
- Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
- Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
- Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
- The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
- Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
- A camel is a horse designed by a committee
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
- If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
- Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
- It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
- The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
- If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
- Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
- Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
- What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
- Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
- I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
- No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
- Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
- I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
- I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
- Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
- The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
- Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
- Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
- Men have become the tools of their tools.
- I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
- I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
- There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
- Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
- Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
- Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
- Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
- Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
- I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
- Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
- Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
- First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
- About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
- Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
- Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
- Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
- Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
- The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
- The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
- How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
- Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
- Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
- Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
- The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
- In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
- Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
- If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
- An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
- Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
- Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
- I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
- Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
- Silence is argument carried out by other means.
- Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
- You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
- I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
- Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
- And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
- Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
- There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
- To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
- Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
- If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
- Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
- Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
- I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
- Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.
- I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
- Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
- All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
- Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
- The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
- I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
- A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
- Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
- An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
- University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
- When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
- The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
- Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
- Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
- A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
- They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
- The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
- Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
- All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
- Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
- When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
- UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
- Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
- Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
- We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
- Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens
- Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
- The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
- There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
- Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
- If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
- Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
- There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
- Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
- All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
- What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
- He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!
- A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
- Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- Men have become the tools of their tools.
- I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
- All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
- The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
- I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
- Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
- My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
- I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
- Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
- If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
- Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
- One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
- My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
- Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
- I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
- I am not young enough to know everything.
- I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
- Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
- Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
- Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
- Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
- I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
- I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
- C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
- Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
- Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
- If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
- When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
- Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
- Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
- There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
- If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
- Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
- Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
- I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
- It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
- A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
- Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
- Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
- I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
- After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
- If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
- Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
- Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
- Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
- Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
- The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
- O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
- The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
- Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
- UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
- If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
- I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
- Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
- The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
- Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
- I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
- It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
- There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
- An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
- Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
- The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
- Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
- The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
- O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
- Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
- I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
- A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
- C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
- I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
- Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
- Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
- When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
- Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
- Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
- Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
- Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
- Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
- I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
- Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
- Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
- Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
- In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
- If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
- Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
- I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
- The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
- Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- In this war � as in others � I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
- Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
- The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
- TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
- I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
- Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
- A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
- A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
- A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
- I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
- It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
- Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
- I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
- When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
- Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
- I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
- Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
- It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
- You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
- I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
- Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
- Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
- If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
- Silence is argument carried out by other means.
- The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
- The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
- We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
- Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
- I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
- I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
- Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
- That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
- Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
- I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
- Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
- It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
- Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
- It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
- If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
- In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
- What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
- For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
- I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
- I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
- Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
- Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
- A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
- We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
- Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
- Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
- Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
- If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens
- I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
- I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
- The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
- My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
- Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
- The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
- I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
- Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
- I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
- When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
- A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
- He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
- The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
- Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
- In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
- I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
- Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
- Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
- Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
- Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
- Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
- I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
- Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
- Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
- When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
- Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
- The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
- After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
- If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Silence is argument carried out by other means.
- I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
- To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
- When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
- Men have become the tools of their tools.
- Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
- I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
- I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
- If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
- You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
- I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
- Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
- If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
- It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
- Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
- Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
- Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
- I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
- Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
- University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
- To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
- Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
- Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
- If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
- If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
- Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
- It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
- An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
- Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
- In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
- If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
- Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
- First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
- Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
- If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
- Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
- I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
- I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
- Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
- You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
- Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
- Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
- If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
- I wouldn't mind dying -